Hamnet? More like HamNOT
Spoiler alert: the dude in the movie is Shakespear. Apparently everyone on earth knew that besides me. I was distracted by the main lady character constantly sleeping in the woods?? This is a movie for people who like costumes and vague plots with British accents.
We open on the main lady sleeping in the woods (see above). Apparently the director also made Nomadland. Director fucking hates houses. Whatever. Oh my god while writing this I just found out it’s also all fictional. So this garbage movie was forced upon us by someone’s brain? That’s so much worse.
Anyway, the main lady is the daughter of a forest witch. Okay. She’s connected to the trees and air and shit and I guess that’s why she’s always napping there. She meets that hot Irish guy from the show Normal People and they’re constantly running around the woods because she’s the daughter of a forest witch. Don’t know what his deal is (JK, I do know, he’s Shakespear).
So they get married and have a kid and then have twins. They seem happy or whatever? Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriend is in it but I can’t remember why he was significant. He might be the forest witch’s daughter’s brother? Does that make him a forest king? Hopefully we find out in Hamnet 2: Return to the Streets.
Inevitably one of the twins gets the plague. The girl twin. Then in a confusing series of events the boy twin absorbs her plague and dies instead of her. It’s sad.
The hot guy from Normal People (Shakespear) is sad and writes about it. I really should have put together that he was a writer and that’s why he was always going to London but hindsight is 20/20.
Then everyone goes to London and watches what I assume is Hamlet given the name of the movie. Oh, the kid who died was named Hamnet. That’s probably an important note.
This movie was not good. It’s like a very long boring story you didn’t need to know, especially when you consider that it was MADE UP. The writer could have invented a better story! They were not tied to any historical narrative! That’s not Shakespear! This isn’t his story! This is just a theater kid getting excited about bodices.
3/10
The 3 is because the guy from Normal People is hot.
P.S. I looked it up more and I guess it’s loosely based on Shakespear and the daughter of the wood witch’s life? I’m not convinced.